I recently finished a book called Conversations With God: An Uncommon Dialogue by Neale Donald Walsch which was another great read that felt like food for my soul and consciousness. While I may not agree with everything said in the book, it does not take away the powerful messages that it held within. My favorite books, movies, songs, and art have always been the ones that provoke my beliefs, opinions, values, and thoughts. Even though the book was released in 1996, passage of time does not seem to be relevant: in the book or in life.
There is no time but now. There is no place but here. The present is the only time, the only place there is.
My belief in a higher power has been firm for a long time; I have no memory of ever living in a reality where God did not exist in my life. Even as a child when I questioned my Catholicism, it was not a question of God existing but rather who he was and how he behaved. I was 8 years old when gay marriage became legalized and there was discussion across the nation. Even at that age, I could not understand why God would condemn the queer community for doing nothing but spreading more love, especially when our faith was founded in love. I was taught that God loved all his children and created them in His perfect image, so why would he create children that might love someone of the same sex and why would he hate that so much? I concluded this cognitive dissonance to mean that the church did not understand God, for that “issue” was too beneath him to be of concern. I used church as a tool to lean on, but I knew I needed to find my own relationship with God or whatever higher power existed.
Your relationship with God is not a one-way street. It is a communion, a sharing, a coming together, a union. It is you and God experiencing the glory of Who You Are together.
My faith was tested when I experienced multiple deaths of loved ones around me within only a few years of each other, some only months or hours apart. Death became a reality of life that I had to come to peace with by the age of 12. While this time period was filled with grief in many different areas of my life, it was also filled with spiritual signals that have stayed with me to this day. Until you have experienced a sign from the other side, it is a difficult concept to wrap your head around. For example, I was mowing the lawn during the summer and saw something reflecting light in the middle of the yard. I assumed it was a piece of metal and did not want to risk cutting myself by running it over. I went over to investigate and found wooden Rosary beads in the middle of my yard; so fragile that they fell apart upon me gently lifting them out from the thick grass. I found this within the week of my grandmother passing away who was a devout Catholic her entire life. As someone who comes from a very logical way of thinking, I would most likely not believe it unless I had the experience myself. When my world was falling apart, I looked out my window to the open night sky above and spoke to those looking down on me. I knew I was never alone, but it did not make the journey any easier to bare.
When things are falling apart, they may actually be falling into place. Trust the process and know that God is with you, guiding you through every experience, no matter how challenging it may seem
My teenage years were the only time I can recall being angry with God. Just as I thought my personal life could not get worse, God seemed to laugh and throw more hardship my way. The punches were getting thrown from all different directions not within my control; I was getting jumped by life while still holding my own, but not without damage. I could not, and still struggle to, express the personal battles I was facing when no one was looking. There were no words to describe what it was like to be constantly betrayed by the person you want a relationship with the most in this world: my mom. The emotional wounds from being consistently disappointed in her inability to only be a good enough parent hardened my heart to the world. It was difficult to be angry knowing she had undiagnosed BPD and struggled with addiction; it granted her enough sympathy in my book to hold on to hope as long as I did. I was so close to living a normal life; yet, that life seemed to grow more and more distant as each year passed.
Do not be afraid of your feelings. Embrace them. For even in your anger, there is a desire for connection, a yearning to understand. God is not distant from your anger but present within it, waiting for you to discover the deeper truths.
I fought bitterly for many years but had to eventually wave my white flag and surrender. My way was not working. My way was leading to suicidal ideation due to complete emotional numbness and disassociation. If was not for my belief in a higher power, I’m not sure how much further those ideations could have gone. For the first time in my life, the one place that used to be safe was the most dangerous place on Earth: my mind. I could no longer control my negative thoughts and beliefs about myself and the world around me. My eating became disordered, I distanced myself from those around me, and I experienced a true depression for the first time in my life. I was scared; I had found myself in the situation of appearing completely fine to those around me while feeling like I was getting closer to the edge of a cliff. I turned to God.
Surrendering to God means releasing your fears and worries, understanding that you are always held in the loving embrace of the divine. It is finding peace in the midst of chaos, knowing that all is well
My relationship with God is not one that is through church but through tribulations. I have never completely read the Bible and have never been a regular attender of church. My belief is that we are all spiritual beings sent here to grow our souls through experiencing life on Earth. When we die, we return to “the good place” and review whether we accomplished all the goals we initially set out to achieve. We are guided through all this with a spiritual team that will assist but never interfere with our free will. This is the reality I base my life off of which has been only confirmed through near death experiences of many others. I thought the lesson I was meant to learn was how to overcome having a difficult relationship with my mother, and I thought this was by being a perfectionist who could adapt to any situation thrown at me. As time has gone on, I have learned that the true lesson is to learn how to love myself despite all that has happened to me.
When you love yourself, you honor the creation that you are. You see yourself as God sees you, perfect and whole, deserving of all good things.
Love has been a consistent theme this year. Up until I started therapy, I thought I did love myself. In my darkest moments, the only ones in the room were me and God. Hyper-independence is a symptom of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder but was a trait I learned to love about myself at a very young age up until this year. It comes in handy on days where I have no shame in taking myself out to eat and sitting alone, but it becomes detrimental when I retreat from relationships with those who attempt to get closer to me and request vulnerability. I have come to realize that my independence is merely a survival mechanism from the crushing fear of emotional turmoil that burdens my heart. Once the illusion of happiness has gone away, I am left with the reality of what is. Although I have a lot of good things in my life, I feel as though I have trapped myself in a box that is preventing me from experiencing the fullness of what life has to offer. I am the one with the key and say I want to escape, yet I am still in this box.
This book reminded me of the power of attraction which has been repeated in many different ways by many different people. One practice my mom often discussed was manifesting your reality. At the time, because it was coming from her, I could not take it seriously. It was not until I started accidentally speaking things into existence that I started to get freaked out a bit. For example, I was committed to a college going into my senior year of high school. It was a long recruiting process that I was relieved to be done with and excited for the next phase of life. It was not until winter break of my senior year that I found out I could not afford to go to this college due to getting less academic financial reward than previously discussed. I was disappointed and borderline defeated as I only had a few months to find out where I was going to play and attend.
A few months prior to this, my mom, sister, and I decided to go on a fun day to the quarry for a picnic and water activities. On the way there, we passed a sign advertising waterfalls about 70 miles away. I convinced my mom to detour to the waterfalls as we had never seen them before. On the way there, I remember being mesmerized by the beauty of the surrounding mountains that looked like skyscrapers and sense of calmness that came from being so connected to the beauty of nature. I looked out the window and said to my mom, “See, I would love to go to school in an area like this. I would have the mountains during the school year and the beach during the summer.” We enjoyed the waterfalls and took pictures together; it was the last fun adventure I had with my mom.
When I decommitted, I visited a few local schools that I was not excited for. I used soccer as a vessel to escape reality, this included geographically. Going to a local college meant I was going to live at home and endure my mom’s declining health. Randomly, I received a message on social media from one of my teammates who I had only spoken to on a few occasions despite living only a few towns away from each other. She was on an official visit and mentioned to the coach I had decommitted; thus, the coach asked her to set up a visit for me. I instantly fell in love with the college and could not believe I had never heard of it despite it being in the same conference as the previous one I was committed to and checking every single box I had of qualities I was looking for. It was not until second semester of being there that I found out it was only ten minutes away from the waterfalls I had visited with my mom and sister less than a year prior.
When I was playing, I said to one of my teammates how jealous I was of my coaches for the job they get to do. I loved the level of competition and idea of getting paid to manage a team of great athletes and people. When I graduated, I considered going overseas to play, but the situation never came to fruition. I landed a job shortly after graduating and decided I wanted to save to move out from my parents. Within a year and a half of being at this job, I was burnt out and miserable. I turned to God. I laid in bed and looked out my window to the night sky, “God, I need a change. Please. Just give me the opportunity and I will know it when I see it.” Within a week, my assistant coach was promoted to head; thus, her previous position was now open for the first time in thirteen years. I knew this was my prayer being answered and made the call to take the position. This was the beginning of my healing journey and potential new chapters to come.
My life has been filled with moments like these. They become too frequent to be shocked by, yet, when I reflect, it allows me to see the beauty in the story unraveling before my eyes. This book reminded me to be mindful of the thoughts and words I speak into existence because they have the power to create reality. I like to tell the stories of the times this has worked out in my favor, but I can only imagine the times this has worked against me without me even realizing. How many times was I a victim of my own reality versus circumstances out of my control? Was there even a difference, and did it even matter? Reality is merely a reflection of the creation you are making. This book reminded me that if I want to see the worst in this world, I will find it; however, if I choose to find the beauty in each moment, even the hard ones, it may be Heaven on Earth after all.